Why Your Team Sucks 2018: New York Jets

Some people are fans of the New York Jets. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Jets. This 2018 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: New York Jets. source: [object Object] Your 2017 record: 5-11. Last year I thought the Jets had the worst roster in football history and that they’d struggle to win a single game, and every Jets fan took me aside and they were like, “No no no no no, you don’t get it. They’re gonna meaninglessly overachieve just to fuck up their draft position,” and LO AND BEHOLD. You people know your team all too well. So let’s not go overboard and declare that 5-11 a feel-good 5-11. The Jets still managed to pack plenty of Jetsiness into last season. For example, their…

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Carolina Panthers

Some people are fans of the Carolina Panthers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Carolina Panthers. This 2015 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: The Carolina Panthers Your 2014 record: 7-8-1. FIRST PLACE! I believe first place in the NFC South gets you the participation trophies that James Harrison threw away. Your coach: Ron Rivera, whose house caught on fire this offseason. If I could bet on any coach accidentally lighting his house on fire, it would be this man. Your owner: This charming fellow… Here I’ve been making fun of Jerry Richardson for years without realizing that the fucker used to own DENNY’S. It’s true! He also founded Hardee’s, which means that Jerry Richardson got rich of…

The 2012 Gawker Media Census Results Are In

You might have noticed that over the past few weeks we've been bugging you to take the 2012 Gawker Media Census. Well, try not to cry too hard, but the most exciting survey on the whole World Wide Web has come to a close. We learned all sorts of fun facts about the 1,553 Deadspin fans who responded this year, like how 16% of readers claim to have gotten laid the day before they took the survey. You do know it only counts if you're with another person, right? The Gawker Media Cenus is our yearly opportunity to find out how to serve you better. It's your chance to let us know who you are, what you're into, and what we could be doing differently. In exchange, we offer one lucky census taker a new iPad as a prize. This year's big winner is Gizmodo reader Alex L. Ev…

North Carolina-Michigan State Live Blog

This one's for all the General Motors, laddies. Will it be the Tar Heels? Or the Tar Heels? Then again, the Tar Heels could pull it out. Time will tell. Second Half 12:09 — [wipes tear from eye] There's just something about One Shining Moment that draws all the remaining cynicism from my lower intestine and converts it into dreams and rainbows for babies with AIDS. Despite the horrible game, I am at peace. No worries, though. I will continue to seek out petty annoyances, build them up internally, and let them flush out in the form of Deadspin's next live blog. Until then, comrades, please tell Sandy I said "WHEEEEEEEEEE!" 12:05 — Awkwardest music transition in sports broadcasting history: peppy basketball band music to Masters coverage piano melody. And no…

Most Likely Trade Destinations for Cam Newton

data-mm-id=”_pgygeyl4e”>Despite losing five of their last six games with Kyle Allen at the controls, the Carolina Panthers have made the decision to stick with Allen as their long-term quarterback. According to Ian Rapoport, the Panthers intend to trade their previous starting quarterback, Cam Newton, this offseason. Newton is coming off an injury to his left foot, which he fractured in the second week of this season.After this season, Newton has one year remaining on his current contract, which will count $21.1 million against the salary cap. So where will Newton land? These seem like the most likely spots. 1. Tampa Bay BuccaneersWhile Jameis Winston may be putting up the best numbers of his career in 2019, it still won't be enough for the Buccaneers to reach the playoffs, or for…

Ryan Finley Benching Says A Lot About Bengals Draft Plans

data-mm-id=”_zfdmkjpiv”>Buck up Chase Young, you might not have to stay in Ohio after all. Not that Ohio is a bad state. More like the Bengals are a bad organization, one a potentially-transcendent player like Young needs no part of. Want further proof? Check out the quarterback turmoil they're currently embroiled in. In Week 10, the Bengals benched veteran Andy Dalton as their starting quarterback in favor of rookie Ryan Finley. That move didn't make sense at the time, because Dalton was clearly not the issue in Cincinnati. Now, just three weeks later, they're going back to Dalton, which is slightly awkward considering the veteran asked to be traded after being benched. Now he's being thrown back into the fire to replace a rookie who never should have been starting…

Nick Wright Can't Decide if Jayson Tatum is a Star or Not

data-mm-id=”_ntphp06wo”>NBA basketball returned this weekend after their regularly scheduled short hiatus following the All-Star game. Sunday afternoon featured a marquee matchup between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Boston Celtics. The Lakers won a tight game despite a 41-point effort from Jayson Tatum, fresh off his first All-Star selection. Tatum looked unstoppable in the second and third quarter. He's been pegged as a future superstar since he led the Celtics to two playoff series wins in 2018 despite missing Kyrie Irving and Gordon Hayward. Like the entirety of the team, he stagnated in 2019. But now that we're in 2020, he's clearly starting to tap in to the star power we caught a glimpse of 18 or so months ago. Nick Wright is here to tell everyone to pump the brea…

Format For Woods-Manning vs Mickelson-Brady Golf Match is Subpar

data-mm-id=”_bbrgvc87e”>A sports-starved nation is ready for some action on the links, and the upcoming Tiger Woods and Peyton Manning vs. Phil Mickelson and Tom Brady golf match provided much to be excited about. Then they decided to throw a cold wet blanket on the excitement by choosing to have them play a format reserved for hackers and has-beens at a country club member-guest tournament. Listen, it's hard to call out this event because the proceeds are going to benefit coronavirus relief efforts. You should donate to the cause and watch it on Sunday, May 24 at 3 ET. I will be watching for sure. But playing nine holes of best ball (taking the best score) and nine holes of quasi-alternate shot as the 18-hole format isn't exactly a thrilling setup. The first part is to be ex…

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Better Call Saul Now As Good as Breaking Bad

data-mm-id=”_8n9nyyfn1″>WARNING: SPOILERS FOR BETTER CALL SAUL As Lalo Salamanca stands over the last living would-be assassin sent by Gus Fring to kill him, he looked over at a glass half full of tequila and knows he's been betrayed by assumed-confidant Nacho Varga. After Lalo orders the assassin to tell his boss the hit was done, he trudges through a compound filled with dead bodies and into the night to exact his revenge. The credits role and Season 5 of Better Call Saul ends. It was the cliffhanger of all cliffhangers, a finale that feels like a precursor to looming disaster and, for the first time in in its history, Better Call Saul finally lived up to its predecessor's immense legacy. There's little point in going through the history of Breaking Bad. If you're…